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Triplets
Tamara MC
POEM
We named them: Fuchsia, Turquoise, and Black Ivory.
The moment they were fertilized, before they had even become fetuses,
everything about them had been genetically determined.
How do you speak about losing three babies? Technically they weren’t
babies, but blobs—fertilized eggs that had turned from two cells, to four
cells, to eight cells. On the fifth day, they turned to blastocysts, before they
would become an embryo. And, only by the twelfth week, would they have
become official fetuses.
On October 24, I abort Fuchsia, Turquoise, and Black Ivory over an eighthour period, from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. Throughout the night, my toilet fills
with blood and clots. I don’t flush. Each time I run to the bathroom and
release, I turn on the light and stare at my babies. I collect their every bit
and piece.
After my blood ceases, I reach into the red water, scoop my babies up, and
clutch them one last time. I bring them close to my chest and then up to my
mouth. I kiss. Slowly they trickle through my tensely closed fingers running
down my lips, chin, and neck. They cascade down the front of my white
nightgown before they splatter onto the cold hard floor.
Bloodied lips and all, I huddle over them. I pray. I unwind toilet sheet after
toilet sheet after toilet sheet. I wipe the ground over and over until most of
my blood has been placed back into the bowl. I lean over the seat, hold it
with both hands, and hunch over. I stare one last time at Fuchsia, Turquoise,
and Black Ivory. I flush.
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How Tamara Got He
How Tamara Got Her Breath Back
Tamara MC
POEM
I.
Fog filled the sky
I couldn’t see behind, in front of, or below me
I watched Blazer as he scampered
Smelling the bush
The concrete
The car tire
Coyotes were howling
A dog was barking back at them
We took a different path
Charles held the leash
I held myself back
From screaming at him
He was insistent to know
What it was about my things
That made them so personal
He couldn’t love me
I said to myself
I don’t feel protected and safe
We passed more Christmas houses
Passed a house with a stuffed animal collection at its front door
We passed my ex boyfriend, Josh’s house
I noticed a silver car
It must be her car
The RV was still parked beside his Tacoma
I wanted to run inside
To the home that used to be mine
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I wanted Josh to protect me with his gun
To get on his Harley with his biker friends
And escort me through life
Charles didn’t speak
A dog yapped at Blazer
II.
I felt gravel on my bare feet
I was unable to put back on my flip-flops
Cross-legged, I focused on my breath
The brighter greenery in certain leaves
The black beneath her fingernails
Wondering if she was a potter, or a gardener
My sheets filled with stones
Turning over again
Swiping dirt from underneath my right hip
The white cotton tenderly hugging my skin
He breathed in through his mouth
And out through his nose
The flaps on his lips trembled
I had a hole in my purple leggings
I wondered if Norman the Buddhist noticed my skin
My long blond hair strand curled up on my left leg
Was I getting my breath back?
III.
In the ER they ask me to rate my pain
Maybe a 2, I say
I’m not in pain
I can’t breath
We will take you for x-rays, the triage nurse says
To protect the baby
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IV.
He shot me in the butt
The hormones seeped into my musculature
Charles, I say, as I always do
Avoid my sciatic nerve
I feel the liquid move from the tip of the needle
Piercing my skin
The sting
The puncture
Like a three-dimensional spider web
Filled with air and hope
The hormones scurry from my hip
To my ovaries
They expand
As my lungs deflate
V.
I receive a call from my primary care physician
Your D-Dimer test came back
It’s very high
You must go to the ER immediately
We were walking Blazer when I got the call
I’m leaving, I tell Charles
Charles doesn’t offer to come with me
He dresses as usual
Gets ready for work as usual
Does his usual
As my lungs collapse
Trembling I turn the wheel of my Honda
Try to keep my car moving straight
A new triage nurse is at TMC now
She looks at my files
You were here last night, she says
Yes, I say
What’s your pain level?
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Still a 2, I say
We will have you see a doctor immediately
Ten minutes later, I am called back
Last night, we did an x-ray
Today we will need to do an MRI, the doctor says
VI.
My babies, I scream
The tech comes to get me
I have babies inside my belly!
Babies? he asks. How many?
Three!
VII.
I walk by myself for an hour
I’m talking to you, God
I don’t stop
Someone is listening
Never
Tamara MC
POEM
: i thought we would have babies together
: i thought I would be wearing maternity clothes from “Destination
Maternity”
: in the mall on Sunday we sat
: at the Tucson Mall drinking “Gloria Jean’s Gourmet Coffee” we discussed
: our baby
: the baby we would have together—Fuchsia was her name
: i’m in New York; you’re in our condo in Tucson
: the temperatures are in the 60s, turning to Fall
: here I’ll have a change of seasons
: the sun is always out in Tucson—always summer—always sunny
: “you’re going to have a do-over” you said
: “this baby is going to be different” you said
: “the father is different,” you would say
: you followed me for 26.2 miles
: twins—we planned
: fuchsia and Turquoise
: i would take Fuchsia to dance, dress her in pink
: you would take Turquoise to football, basketball
: i saw your long arms and legs in them
: i saw Fuchsia’s curls
: i saw my daughter
: “you’re not too old,” you said
: “you have the eggs of a 25-year old,” you said
: six months ago, we break up
: for three years we try to make a baby
: you fail to tell me you don’t have sperm
: you fail, Slim Pop!
: i’m lucky now if I have one or two remaining eggs
: no one, NO ONE will be able to impregnate me ever again
: you stole from me
: you stole the last years of my fertility
: you stole Fuchsia and Turquoise
: i will never have another baby again
: never
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: never
: never
: never
: never
: never
: one day we are fertile, and then the next day we are not
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